Funny story of the day

[TedEbear]

Q: What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?


A: Bison


And if you enjoyed that one...


Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calander?


They each got six months.

[beefmann]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[devo]

[beefmann]

Ed and Nancy...

met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.  Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.   I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so  now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed replied, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball!

[TedEbear]

Bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
His mates ask "What have you come as"?
Bloke: "A tortoise"
Mates: "What's with the woman on your back"?
Bloke: "That's Michelle".



If you're sitting there saying "Huh?", read it again.  It took me 3 times when I first saw it.   ;D

[GusRobin]

Took me two times  ;D

[Quarlow]

I got it first time but I think I am a little bent anyways.   :o

[Tiny Tim]

I'll only say that it took me a few more than 3 times then felt really really stupid when it smacked me upside the head.

[Tenpoint5]

I'll only say that it took me a few more than 3 times then felt really really stupid when it smacked me upside the head.

Ah Tim just say'n 10.5 1/4 read it and laughed saying that's a good one Dad first time round

[Tiny Tim]

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the chicken coop, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer was impressed.

That afternoon, Rooster screwed all 200 hens again.

The farmer was surprised but delighted. He'd have lots of eggs, for sure.

The next day, he sees the rooster doing it to the ducks, the geese AND a goat.

Now the farmer started to worry. There was something strange about that rooster.

A few days later, he sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-dead, while vultures circle over it's head.

The farmer rebuked him and said, "You deserved it, you horny desperate idiot!"

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says "Sssshh! Speak softly! I'm just waiting for them to land!"

[TedEbear]

Sherman Williams just came out with a new paint. It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.

[TedEbear]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[beefmann]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?

[iceman]

Nuff Said!  ;D

[Wildcat]

Yummmmmm!