Funny story of the day

[HCT]

 :D :D :D :D, good laughs.

[manxman]

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing.  There's nothing worse than a receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
pati ents. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old
guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why
you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my d*ck,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't p*ss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!!!!!!!

____

[bigredsmoker]

 :D :D :D

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

Two elderly friends, Willard and Sam,  met in the park every day to  feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.  One day Willard
didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it  figured  maybe he had a cold or some such.  But after Willard hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really
got worried.



However, since the only time they ever got together  was at  the park, Sam didn't know where Willard lived so he was unable to find out what had happened
to him.  A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Willard, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Willard!  Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!  Then  he said, "For crying out loud Willard, what in the world happened to you???"



Willard replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Sam!!  "What in  the world for???"
"Well," Willard said, "you know Sue, that cute little  blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah", said Sam, "I remember her.  What about her?"
"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that  when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty" then the judge gave me 30 days  for perjury."

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[bigredsmoker]

Never make your better half go shopping against his will......

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Had to edit this one out.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, Walmart

[Mr Walleye]

Now that's priceless!  ;D

Mike

[sherlock]

DEER MEAT
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
 
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
 
Well, he said,  'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
 
The little girl screams to her brother
 
'Don't eat it, it's an a**hole..

LMAO  ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D :D

You guys across the pond may want to substitute a suitable American / Canadian or whatever politician in this one as well as $'s for £'s!!

Tony Blair:

Now he's no longer the UK PM, Tony Blair has started jogging daily near
his home. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what became a
daily exchange.

'Fifty pounds' she would cry

'Five pounds!' Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
by and she'd yell, 'Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then the hooker yelled

>
>
>
>
>
>
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'See what you get for a fiver!'

[car54]

Two women in heaven were discussing how they had died.

I froze to death, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV." "So what happened?" "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just kneeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive."

[bigredsmoker]

LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers!).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S.  Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.


GO NAVY!!!

[Gizmo]

Does anyone else get the feeling that the real mission was to capture and consume as much libation as possible and not have to pay for it? 

[acords]

40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch

Does anyone else get the feeling that the real mission was to capture and consume as much libation as possible and not have to pay for it?

I can't argue with you on this one Gizmo.  40,000 gallons of single malt scotch :P, count me in.

[Arcs_n_Sparks]

Do I hear beverage?   :D

The time machine has served me well...

H.G. Wells