Funny story of the day

[classicrockgriller]

Some great jokes guys, thanks.

-----------------two farty!! ;D

[Smoke some]

Paddy and the Trees

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course,
causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.


Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,

"Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener !"

[schneep]

Another Irish one:

Two women were sitting next to each other at the bar.
After a while one looks at the other and says.
"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other woman responds proudly, "Yes, I sure am!
And where about in Ireland are ya from?
The other woman answers, I'm from St. John's, I am!!
The first woman responds, "So am I"
And what street did you live on?
The other woman says, "A lovely little area it was in the west end.  I lived on Warburry Street in the old central part of town."
The first one says, Faith and it's a small world, So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?
The other woman answers, "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course".
The first one gets really excited and says,
"And so did I, Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other woman answers
"Well, now, lets see, I graduated in 1964".
The first woman exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smilin down upon us !  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up at the same pub tonight.  Can you believe it??
I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!!!
About this time, handsome Michael walks into the bar and sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight"
Michael asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"
Brian answers,

"The Murphy twins are drunk again!!"

[classicrockgriller]

Stop it you two!

Geez, I'm hurting myself laughing so hard.

[OU812]

"The Murphy twins are drunk again!!"

Thats a good one.

[schneep]

These are blonde jokes, but I want to make it perfectly clear I have nothing against blondes!! I am married to one!!

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what iit was. 
The clerk said, "Why thats a Thermos......It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold....."
"Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it'  So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day.
The next day at work her boss came walking by and seen it on her desk and said, "What's that"
"Why, thats a Thermos....It keeps things hot and cold", she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blonde replied..."Two popsicles and some coffee!!"





Did you here about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see   'Closed for the Winter'

[Quarlow]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in  Spring Hill  ,  Florida  , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[KevinG]

That story reminds me of one when I was a kid visiting the zoo. A friend of mine and I were at the zoo in front of the gorilla cage. My friend noticed a little garter snake squirming around on the ground and decided to pick it up. The snake bit him and he threw the snake. The snake landed in the gorilla cage on some cement steps and slithered into a crack in the steps. The gorilla went to investigate what he threw into the exhibit and stuck his face real close into the crack. The garter snake bit him on the nose. The gorilla then ran over to the exhibit door and started pounding on the door and screaming, then he pointed over to us, then he pounded on the door again and pointed to us. I couldn't believe it, the dang gorilla was going to rat us out!

[classicrockgriller]

That story reminds me of one when I was a kid visiting the zoo. A friend of mine and I were at the zoo in front of the gorilla cage. My friend noticed a little garter snake squirming around on the ground and decided to pick it up. The snake bit him and he threw the snake. The snake landed in the gorilla cage on some cement steps and slithered into a crack in the steps. The gorilla went to investigate what he threw into the exhibit and stuck his face real close into the crack. The garter snake bit him on the nose. The gorilla then ran over to the exhibit door and started pounding on the door and screaming, then he pointed over to us, then he pounded on the door again and pointed to us. I couldn't believe it, the dang gorilla was going to rat us out!

Holy Smolies! ;D that's funny

[Smoke some]

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

I am sure I have spoken to this person, or at least his brother


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel .....

-----------------------------

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye .. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

[3rensho]

I know this guy.  He was the cab driver I last had in New York  ;D ;D ;D

[FLBentRider]

He works at (dell/CA/whatever) tech support, drives a cab night.

[ArnieM]

On the one hand it's funny and sad because it's too true.

[classicrockgriller]

Dial 1 for english.

[Quarlow]

That story reminds me of one when I was a kid visiting the zoo. A friend of mine and I were at the zoo in front of the gorilla cage. My friend noticed a little garter snake squirming around on the ground and decided to pick it up. The snake bit him and he threw the snake. The snake landed in the gorilla cage on some cement steps and slithered into a crack in the steps. The gorilla went to investigate what he threw into the exhibit and stuck his face real close into the crack. The garter snake bit him on the nose. The gorilla then ran over to the exhibit door and started pounding on the door and screaming, then he pointed over to us, then he pounded on the door again and pointed to us. I couldn't believe it, the dang gorilla was going to rat us out!

Holy Smolies! ;D that's funny

Holy crap that is funny. I would have been cleaning my screen if I hadn't already swallowed my milk.