Funny story of the day

[3rensho]

A police  officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer  says,' I  clocked you at 80 miles per  hour, sir.'

The  driver says, 'Gee,  officer, I had it on cruise control at  60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.  '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife  says: 'Now  don't be silly, dear -- you  know that this car doesn't have cruise  control.'

As  the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and  growls,
'Can't you  please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The  wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your  radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been  higher.'

As  the officer makes out the second  ticket for the illegal radar  detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched  teeth,
'Woman,  can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The  officer frowns and says, 'And I  notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's  an automatic $75 fine.'

The  driver says, 'Yeah,  well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you  pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back  pocket.'

The  wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that  you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when  you're driving.'

And  as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his  wife and barks,   'WILL YOU  PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The  officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does  your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
 
'Only  when he's been drinking.!'

[Wildcat]

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[Quarlow]

He later awoke from his second surgery of the day and was informed that his wife was now in jail for attempted murder. The questions is, did he live happily ever after?

[Caneyscud]

He later awoke from his second surgery of the day and was informed that his wife was now in jail for attempted murder. The questions is, did he live happily ever after?

I love a questioning mind!

[Wildcat]

Sad News...





Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as one who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[KevinG]

Bun in the oven at 71, way to go doughboy!  :D

[iceman]

Old post cat man and "STALE" info he he he  :D Just couldn't help but "RISE" to the occasion. Geez my bad.  ;) Dang rum anyhow.

[Smoke some]

When you care enough....



to send the very best...

[KevinG]

Can't quite make those out, either they're a dozen honey buns on a stick or a bacon swirl on a stick. Either way good stuff.  ;D

[Ka Honu]

Mmmm... bacon roses!  I know what I'm getting SWMBO for her next flower arrangement.  I hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.

[3rensho]

I hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.

;D ;D ;D ;D

[Smoke some]

Can't quite make those out, either they're a dozen honey buns on a stick or a bacon swirl on a stick. Either way good stuff.  ;D

Ya there bacon, should have made the leaves out of jerky and the stems
Out of snack sticks.

[HawkeyeSmokes]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado .  When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."   

[classicrockgriller]

that's funny.

[rdevous]

  
 A teacher is explaining biology to her last year Primary School class.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter' she said.


A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat that stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the girl to describe the incident..

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back garden with my kitten and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our garden!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.


'It sure was,' said the little girl.


'My kitten raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,' but before she could say 'F@#% Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
 
 
Ray