Funny story of the day

[BuyLowSellHigh]

You Know You Are In Texas In July When ...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

[ArnieM]

"You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window."

Actually, I didn't.  Many, MANY years ago I drove my T-Top 'Vette down Rt 66 eventually to Lubbock.  I discovered it wasn't a good idea to drive with the T-Tops off and my arm hanging out of the window.  Oh, the pain.

[Wildcat]

Golf Jokes

             A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly
she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her
husband.

             The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises
her head off the green and stares at him.

             "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear,"
says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and
he's coming to help you.

             "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she
asks feebly.

             "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already
agreed to let him play through."

             ____________________________________________________________________



             A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really
know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

             Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

             ____________________________________________________________________



             Police are called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

             The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

             "Yes" says the woman.

             "Did you hit him with that golf club?"

             "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the
club, and puts her hands on her face.

             "How many times did you hit him?"

             "I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just
put me down for a five."

             _____________________________________________________________________



             A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a
mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball
and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

             Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball
hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

             As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,
"Are you a good golfer?"



             The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"



             _____________________________________________________________________


             The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she
reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.

             She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

             He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't
going to take all day, is it?"

[Caneyscud]

"You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window."

Actually, I didn't.  Many, MANY years ago I drove my T-Top 'Vette down Rt 66 eventually to Lubbock.  I discovered it wasn't a good idea to drive with the T-Tops off and my arm hanging out of the window.  Oh, the pain.

I remember most, but the one that really sticks out is the two finger driving.  My Mom hated when I did it back in the day, and still hates it when I do it today!

[BuyLowSellHigh]

A REAL TX cattle ranch, west of Waco ...  I wont copy and post the pic directly, but this is truly Texas.

http://www.pbase.com/image/49107356

[BuyLowSellHigh]

Tenpoint5's HAMZILLA reminded me of the story of the Peg Leg Pig ...

Peg Leg Pig

A man traveling through Eastern North Carolina got lost, and stopped by a farmhouse to ask directions. His eye was caught by a pig with a wooden leg. So he said to the farmer, "I don't think I've ever seen a pig with a wooden leg. What happened to it?"

"Well," said the farmer, "this is a truly remarkable animal. A few years back, it was rooting around under the oak trees near the house and discovered truffles. This new crop has brought us a tidy income, I can assure you."

"Fascinating," said the visitor. "I never heard of truffles in North Carolina. But, why does it have a wooden leg?"

"Well," said the farmer, "just last year, on the north forty, the pig discovered oil, and the proceeds from that oil well are going to make us set for life, including even being able to send all our kids to college."

"A truly incredible animal," said the guy. "I am sure that you are the envy of all your neighbors. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

"About six months ago, the farmhouse caught on fire," said the farmer, "and this pig saved our lives. He rushed upstairs, woke us all up, carried my baby daughter down the stairs by the hair, and made sure we were all safe outside."

"Wow," said the visitor. "You are very fortunate, indeed. But I'm still curious about the wooden leg."

"Oh," said the farmer, "if you have a pig that valuable, you don't eat it all at once."

[rdevous]

 
Good one. BLSH!!!

 
Ray

 

[Wildcat]

There I was is sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched
drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs
my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need
to kick someone's ass, not watch a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with
the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve.

Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole
thing!  But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[KevinG]

LOL  ;D

[rdevous]

 
Catholic Parrots.
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...That phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:  Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!
   
 

Ray
 

[squirtthecat]

 :D

Gimme some Windex!

[BuyLowSellHigh]

[icerat4]

For all the hockey people here..watch the whole thing..


http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7192553/

[punchlock]

We have a HERO in our midst


http://en.tackfilm2.se/?id=1286882347772ID443

[KevinG]

CRG, AKA Smoking Monkey, AKA Texican, AKA Hero, AKA Alien, AKA Sonny.........