Funny story of the day

[schneep]

everything is "UP" :o :o ;) ;)

[rdevous]

 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.
 
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.
 
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
 
--------------------------------------------------------------
 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
 
Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------
 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
 
At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
 
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
 
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
 
He is very attractive and attentive.
 
----------------------------------------------------------
 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
 
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
 
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
 
Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
 
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------
 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
 
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.
 
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
 
Really is quite charming.
 
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined.
 
He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...I was shocked.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------
 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
 
Last night, I saved 2600 lives...Twice!
 
-------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
 
Ray
 
 

[squirtthecat]

[rdevous]

 
A bacon eater is like a doctor who only specializes in one area of the body....I'm a General Practitioner...I like scrapple!!!   ::) ;D :D
 
 
Ray
 
   

[steve-o]

Did you hear about how much cocaine Charlie Sheen did???






;D


Enough to kill 2 1/2 men

[Quarlow]

Doh Steve-O that was bad real bad.  :D :D :D

[rdevous]

 
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, gun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[schneep]

Quote of the day

........referring to Prince William's bachelor party:

       "It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a strippers bikini when every
bill has a picture of your grandmother printed on it."

[rdevous]

 

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church.
 
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
 
Then the priest comes in.  "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
 
The priest replies, "Get out..........you're on my side." 

 
Ray
 
 

[steve-o]

What is Celibacy? ---- Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by  circumstances.



While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives

know the things that are important to each other.."



He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'



  I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?



And thus began my life of celibacy.........   

[rdevous]

 
Irish Math Test
 
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
 
"Without numbers?"  The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
 
"What's this?" the boss asks.
 
"Have you ain't got no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
 
"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
 
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
 
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
 
"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."
 
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
 
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."
 
The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
 
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.  So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
 
The Irishman is the new supervisor.
 

Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
HOLY HUMOR:
 
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
 
=======
 
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
 
========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
 
========
 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled  the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
 
========
 
There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
 
========
 
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution:  Do not step in exhaust."
 
========
 
A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."
 
========
 
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========
 
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
 
========
 
The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of  the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances."
During  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[steve-o]

Man sitting at home on the patio with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[rdevous]

 
What time is the funeral service???

 
Ray
 
 

[3rensho]

Conversion table -


        • 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League.
        • 


        • Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi.
        •   
        • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton.
        • 

        • 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope.
        • 


        • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond.
        • 


        • The Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram.
        • 


        • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong.
        • 


        • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling.
        • 


        • Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon.
        • 


        • 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz.
        • 


        • Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower.
        • 


        • Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line.
        • 


        • 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake.
        • 


        • 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone.
        • 


        • 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles.
        • 


        •

        365.25 days = 1 unicycle.
        • 


        •

        2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds.
        • 


        •

        52 cards = 1 decacards.
        • 


        •

        1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton.
        • 


        •

        1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen.
        • 


        •

        1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche.
        • 


        •

        1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin.
        • 


        •

        10 rations = 1 decoration.
        • 


        •

        100 rations = 1 C-ration.
        • 


        •

        2 monograms = 1 diagram.
        • 


        •

        4 nickels = 2 paradigms.
        • 


        • 100 Senators = Not 1 decision.