Funny story of the day

[rdevous]

 
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New Englandtown where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
 
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.  After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.
 
She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
 
There was only one other patron in the store:  Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
 
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blues.
 
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
 
'Pull yourself together!' she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children!  And you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand, and her change in the other.  Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
 
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.  Where's my ice cream cone?  Did I leave it in the store?  Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand, or in a holder on the counter or something!  No ice cream cone was in sight...
 
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.  His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,
'You put it in your purse.'


Ray
 

[ghost9mm]

Now that made me grin for a little while  than I thought back through my 73 years and I don't think I had the ability to effect a woman that way, lol...But the good Lord did bless me with a wonderful wife of 52 years... :D

[GusRobin]

Now that made me grin for a little while  than I thought back through my 73 years and I don't think I had the ability to effect a woman that way, lol...But the good Lord did bless me with a wonderful wife of 52 years... :D

21 years younger than you  --not bad  ;D

[Quarlow]

Gus... I think he meant they were married 52 years. If I am wrong, sorry Gus and Ghost you sly dog you.  :D :D :D Cradle robber comes to mind. ;D

[Mr Walleye]

It never occured to me.....

You know, there are some things that you just never think of..........like Mt.Rushmore from the Canadian side.
     






:D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike

[pikeman_95]

*


TEXTING for the Older crowd

        Since more and more over 50's are texting and tweeting there
        appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you
        qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

        Please pass this on to your CHILDREN, Grandchildren, extended
        family, & friends so they can understand your texts.

        >  ATD: At The Doctor's

        >  BFF: Best Friend Fainted

        >  BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

        >  BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

        >  CBM: Covered By Medicare

        >  CGU: Can't get up

        >  CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

        >  DWI: Driving While Incontinent*

        *> FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

        >  FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

        >  FYI: Found Your Insulin

        >  GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

        >  GHA: Got Heartburn Again**

        >  IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

        >  LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out*

        *> LOL: Living On Lipitor

        >  LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

        >  OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

        >  OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

        >  ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... & Can't Get Up

        >  TTYL: Talk To You Louder

        >  WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

        >  WTP: Where's The Prunes?

        >  WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

        >  GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)*

[Quarlow]

You forgot one.

PMP- pooped My pants.

;D

[SGJ Smoker]

Oh my God I think I just peed my pants laughing so hard :D

[Mr Walleye]

Saskatchewanians have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.

Saskatchewan's Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to the cafeteria
Barium............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................. What you be, after you be eight   
Cat scan......................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her 
Coma................................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................... To live long
Fester............................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula.............................. A small lie
Impotent......................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid............................. A higher offer
Nitrates........................... Cheaper than day rate
Outpatient....................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................... Second cousin to Elvis 
Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... **** near killed him
Secretion........................ Hiding something 
Tablet............................. A small table
Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................. One plus one more
Urine............................... Opposite of you're out

[josbocc]

A Letter to the "Men's Help Hotline"

Dear Hotline,

I have a quandry that I need some advice on.  For months now, I have suspected that my wife has been cheating on me.  You know, lots of nights out with the "girls", sometimes when I answer the phone the caller on the other end hangs up, and she just seems generally dis-interested in me.

I tried to verify this the other night when she went out.  Just as headlights were coming down the street, I ran out into the backyard, and hid behind the boat.  Just as I had suspected, my wife got out of the car giggling.  She reached under her blouse and adjusted her bra strap, then she reached into her purse, pulled out a cigarette, and lit up (my wife doesn't smoke!)  I was certain that she was having an affair.

Just as I was about to jump out from behind the boat (here is my quandry), I noticed a hairline crack in the outdrive.  My question for you folks is:  can this be repaired by a quick weld, or do I need to replace the whole outdrive?

Thanks so Much,
Earl

[Mr Walleye]

A Letter to the "Men's Help Hotline"

Dear Hotline,

I have a quandry that I need some advice on.  For months now, I have suspected that my wife has been cheating on me.  You know, lots of nights out with the "girls", sometimes when I answer the phone the caller on the other end hangs up, and she just seems generally dis-interested in me.

I tried to verify this the other night when she went out.  Just as headlights were coming down the street, I ran out into the backyard, and hid behind the boat.  Just as I had suspected, my wife got out of the car giggling.  She reached under her blouse and adjusted her bra strap, then she reached into her purse, pulled out a cigarette, and lit up (my wife doesn't smoke!)  I was certain that she was having an affair.

Just as I was about to jump out from behind the boat (here is my quandry), I noticed a hairline crack in the outdrive.  My question for you folks is:  can this be repaired by a quick weld, or do I need to replace the whole outdrive?

Thanks so Much,
Earl

Dear Earl

Trade her off for a newer model! Nobody needs that much grief.  ::)

The boat that is....  I think!

Yours Truly,
The Men's Help Line

:D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

[ghost9mm]

 



Bertha and Betty






Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A  few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's  fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."



Life is uncertain - eat dessert  first!!! Live to the fullest!!

[ghost9mm]

Subject: FW: Chinese Sick Leave


CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "So solly, I no come work
today, I really sick.  Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today.  When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex.  That makes everything
better and I go to work.  You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you
say and I feel great.  I be at work soon..........You got nice house!!"

[josbocc]

 ;D ::) :D

Be careful what you ask for..., you just might get it!

[ghost9mm]

Subject: Psychology 101






interesting analogy





Psychology 101 (interesting take!)

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and is why, from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.