Funny story of the day

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[rdevous]

 
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
   
The young cowboy took a place next to the ol'-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great shot...  "Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
   
The ol'-timer said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
   
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the cowboy.
   
"Sure will," replied the ol' man.
 
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
   
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy.  "Got any more tips?"
   
"Yep," said the ol'-timer. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that¹ll give you a smoother draw."
   
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy.
   
"You bet it will," said the ol'-timer.
   
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
   
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy.  "I'm learnin' somethin' here.  Got any more tips?" he asked again.
   
The ol'-timer pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.  "See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it."
   
The young shooter smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
   
"No," said the ol'-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
   
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy.
   
"No." said the ol'-timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

 :D :D :D That's a good one.

[ghost9mm]

:D :D :D That's a good one.

X2

[TestRocket]

I've got the same name as Wyatt's younger brother!  ;D

[rdevous]

 
Last week, a lady checked into a motel on her 79th birthday and she was a bit lonely.  She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
 
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.  He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum....
 
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!  Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
Now how does that sound?"
 
He said, .............. "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
   
 
Ray
 
 

[3rensho]

    AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR.

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and
Trade) Immigration Minister. The Rudd Government tried desperately to censure
the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet
themselves laughing!
         
Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I
bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?    For
Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.    It is also on my driver's
licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs
declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the
past 30 years.   It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've
filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also...  would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f...ing
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

0!  What do you people do with all this information we keep having to
provide??    I apologise, Mr. Minister.  But I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bull0!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f...ing
address!! What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of
mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture...  Do I look like Bin Laden?   I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and
see my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would
someone please tell me, why would you give a 0 whether or not I plan on
visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge
to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city,
and get another f...ing copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another
$80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!   Would it be so
complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance
of a new passport on the same day??    Nooooo..  that'd be too f...ing easy and
makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens
with our f...ing heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society'
wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the
photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?! .... you f...ing morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country
since before 1850!  In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter
Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)   I have also served in both the
CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967),
and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the
president of the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card
each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify
who I am; you know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
F...ING PAKISTAN!!!.... a country where they either assassinate or hang their
ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the
"right sort of government".

You are all f...ing idiots!

Cheers,
    Glen.

[Mr Walleye]

TheSensitive Husband


This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

:D  :D  :D

[TestRocket]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
   
'Fred,' he replies.
   
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
   
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
   
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it anyway. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
   
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, officer, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.   I studied hard and got good grades. 
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
   
Dentistry was now my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 
   
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 
   
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 
   
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
   
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I'm Just Fred.'

   
   
The officer walked away laughing so hard he was in tears!

[ghost9mm]

My son has worked for Harley for 32 years he will like this one... :D :D :D

[ghost9mm]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[ghost9mm]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
 

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.   You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may

not speak until directed to do so. '



Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary

Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'



Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'



'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'



After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.    'You may say another two

words, Sister Mary Katherine.'



'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the

future.



On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,  the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.

'You may say two words today.'



'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.



'It's probably best,' said the Priest,  'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

[3rensho]

Sent to me by a friend in Scotland -

And just think, Americans, Canadians and Australians are descended from the forefathers of these "intellectual" wizards ........!! 


:-) ;-)

   


   


   


   



UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
   
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
   
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
   
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
   
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
   
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
   
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
   
Leicester ?



BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
   
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
   
I don't know.
Stewart White:
   
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
   
Arm
Stewart White:
   
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
   
Strong.
Stewart White:
   
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
   
Louis
Stewart White:
   
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
   
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
   
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
   
France .
Trelinski:
   
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
   
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
   
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
   
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
   
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
   
Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
   
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
   
The Conservative Party.




BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
   
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
   
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
   
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
   
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
   
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
   
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
   
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
   
I don't know.
Phil:
   
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
   
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
   
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
   
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
   
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
   
Er. .. ..
Richard:
   
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
   
Er . ....
Richard:
   
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
   
Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
   
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
   
Barcelona .
Presenter:
   
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
   
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
   
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
   
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
   
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
   
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
   
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
   
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
   
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
   
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
   
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
   
Japan .
Chris Searle:
   
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
   
Er ..... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
   
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
   
Fourteen days..


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
   
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
   
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
   
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
   
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
   
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
   
No.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
   
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
   
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
   
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
   
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
   
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant:
   
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
   
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
   
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
   
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
   
Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
   
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
   
Jewish.
Presenter:
   
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
   
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
   
Jesus.

[rdevous]

CHILDREN IN CHURCH

 
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was the Ring Bear."
 
 
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!  Pray for me!"
 
 
A little boy was overheard praying:  "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
 
 
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out..
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's old suit".
 
 
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
 
 
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. 
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're HUSHERS!"
 
 
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
 
 
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
 
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
A Golfer's Poem
 
 
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Of The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've  Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A  Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On  Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of  Sand. < not mine, NEVER>
Then Has Me Offering Up My  Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give  It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease  My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll  Be Back Tomorrow.
   
 
Now you know why I'm a bowler!!!
 
 
Ray