Funny story of the day

[pondee]

Sex Education Professor to a class of Co-eds: " Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are experiencing Orgasm?

Cute little Co-ed from the back of the room:  "Playing golf with his buddies".

[TedEbear]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

[beefmann]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

D'OH ! ! !

[ratherbboating]

   I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.  Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read
this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.  And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long, long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!  1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!  1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR
M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.  PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.



   To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line.
This is weird, but interesting!  If you can read this, you have a strange mind, too.  Can you read this?  Only 55 people out of 100 can.  I cdnuolt
blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
pclae.  The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm.  This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the word as a wlohe.  Azanmig huh?  Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!  If you can raed this frowrad it.

[iceman]

Th8t$ n33t !

[OU812]

I know some folks with a collage education that cant read stuff like this,,,,,,,,,me no problem  ;D

[rdevous]

 
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
   
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, five big baby boys."
 
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised.  I have a penis on me like a chimney."
 
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned.  They're all black."
 
 
Ray
 
     

[TedEbear]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".

__________________________________________________________________________________

A man has some guests at his house for a party and it goes on till late at night. A woman leaves the room briefly and spots a gong. She comes back and asks the man why he has a gong in his house? He replies "its my talking clock". Another man asks him to demonstrate it. So the man picks up the beater and bangs the gong. Suddenly a woman next door shouts from behind the wall "keep it down it's 3 in the morning".

[rdevous]

 
Deaf Italian Bookkeeper:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

Guido, his bookkeeper, is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him."

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK.  You win.  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't dare to pull the trigger."

Don't you just Love lawyers?
 
 
Ray
 
 

[pondee]

What do Lawyers use as birth control?











Their Personalities

[ratherbboating]

The year 1955.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to
mail a letter?

   If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store.

   When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 25 cents a gallon?  Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage.

   I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every
new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

   I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century.  They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

   Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the President.

   I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric.  They're even making electric typewriters now.

   It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet.

   It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to watch their kids so they can both work.

   I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot
of foreign business.

   Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to government.

   The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on.

   There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend.  It costs
nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

   No one can afford to be sick anymore.  At $15.00 a day in the hospital,
it's too rich for my blood.
   If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it. 

[rdevous]

 
Seduction
 
       
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
 
"No" said her husband.
 
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
 
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
 
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.
 
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
 
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
 
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 40,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
 
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:  "Go look in the garage."
 
     
Ray
 
 

[ratherbboating]

[RedJada]

Not really funny but kinda cool. To get out of the house today the wife I and decided to take a drive to a place here called West Branch Reservoir. It's a good place to fish and spot bald eagles. So as we were close we spotted a dog laying along side the road (50mph) buried in snow, looked right us. looked like it was hit by a car. After 20 minutes (divided highway) trying to find a place to turn around. We came back and the dog was still there, hasn't moved. Still had to turn around to get on the same side of the road. Another 15 minutes for that. Wife is driving and now thinks she is a NASCAR race driver. I'm thinking this whole time in the back of my head, how much do I want to spend to save this dog? Finally, we pull along side the road and I get out of the truck. This dam (young collie) dog walks right up to me! Tail waging and all. She has a collar on with tags and phone number. Called the number and found out she was about a mile or so from home. Package delivered in tact.

[Saber 4]

That's some good karma you earned there, it's good to help the pup's get home safe.