Funny story of the day

[acords]

Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Norwegians were already using wireless."

I think I resemble that remark :)

[huhwhatliar]

Prank Phone Call to Kellogg's

While eating Kellogg's Mini-Wheats, I recently noticed a new "Two-Week Fiber Challenge" advertised on the box. The "challenge," if you can call it that, was to eat Mini-Wheats every day for two weeks, then to "see if you feel a difference." Personally, I think a challenge is to launch a live donkey into space, or genetically engineer a self-replicating bologna. But maybe the marketing people at Kellogg's have lower standards.

What incensed me is that they don't actually talk about the one real benefit of fiber. Granted, I don't want to read about sitting on the bowl while I'm eating from a bowl, but that's beside the point. They say "people who increased their fiber intake felt less tired." Well, maybe they felt less tired because they were sitting on the bowl all day.

This kind of opportunity was too good to, ah, pass, so I made the following prank call to Kellogg's.
KELLOGG'S: This is Betsy, how can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: I was eating some Mini-Wheats, and I read about the Fiber Challenge, you know, where you challenge people to eat your cereal for two weeks?

KELLOGG'S: Yes.

JH: I started eating it regularly, and I noticed a difference all right.

KELLOGG'S: [Long pause]

JH: Do you know what it was?

KELLOGG'S: As far as what, sir?

JH: Do you know what happens when you eat a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: No.

JH: You don't know the benefit of eating a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: I mean, yes. It, uh, it regulates you.

JH: I'll say. I have been on the commode for six solid hours. And when I say "solid," I use that term loosely. Do you get my meaning?

KELLOGG'S: Yes, sir. I do apologize about that.

JH: I haven't seen this much brown since I visited the UPS headquarters.

KELLOGG'S: I'm sorry to hear about this. Now, ah, how much cereal did you consume?

JH: A box a day, just like you suggested.

KELLOGG'S: An entire box?

JH: In the morning, sure. Then a couple of bowls of All-Bran in the afternoon.

KELLOGG'S: Sir, we recommend one bowl per day.

JH: What? No, it says box. Hang on. I've got it here ... oh. Oh, no. Oh boy.

KELLOGG'S: We encourage people to have a bowl a day.

JH: Well, what if the bowl is big? Like a mixing bowl?

KELLOGG'S: Let me go ahead and get your name.

JH: You know, you guys really should be more clear about this. "Box" looks an awful lot like "bowl."

KELLOGG'S: I'll be happy to pass your comments along, if I can just get your contact information.

JH: My Lord. It's like a smoked ham exploded in here. Can I send you pictures, so you can see what do to your customers?

KELLOGG'S: It's up to your discretion.

JH: It looks like a Yule log. You should call yourself YULElogg's, not Kellogg's.

KELLOGG'S: I do apologize for that, sir.

JH: Look, I'm worried. What should I do? I can't even get off the toilet here. I'm afraid I'll frisbee out another platter of bun fudge.

KELLOGG'S: Well Mr. Hargrave, all I can suggest is for you to contact your physician. The challenge is to eat a bowl a day, not a box.

JH: How is that a challenge?

KELLOGG'S: Uh, it's not really, a challenge, it just makes you feel better.

JH: Why do you call it a challenge, then?

KELLOGG'S: All I can suggest is for you not to consume any more of it.

JH: Why?! Am I going to get cancer?

KELLOGG'S: I'd suggest you call your physician.

JH: Are you guys going to reimburse me for a plumber?

KELLOGG'S: I've never heard of, uh, anything like this, but I can pass your comments along and see what they say.

JH: [Long sigh, followed by gasping and mild choking] Can I ... [hacking] ... can I at least get some free cereal?

KELLOGG'S: We typically don't give out free cereal, sir.

JH: Give me a break. I've got to deal with Stool and the Gang here.

KELLOGG'S: Again, I will be happy to forward along your comments.

JH: OK, one second. [Loud flushing noise] Oh boy. I'm going to have to use a spatula on this.

KELLOGG'S: Can I do anything else for you, sir?

JH: Believe me, you and your cereal have done enough.

KELLOGG'S: Thank you for calling Kellogg's.

JH: [Flushing]
Personally, I think the only "challenge" was for Kellogg's to sell more Mini-Wheats.

[manxman]

Haha, that bowl of "all-bran" just wasn't appealing this morning. Sausage and bacon instead.  ;) :D

Another joke:

A guy calls a weigh loss company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, s*xy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes anda sign around her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in  excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

'I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...'

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D

[Tiny Tim]

I'll take 2 and a half rounds of the 20# please..........

[Wildcat]

To my drinking friends.



   

           I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....   

       

           Scared the sh*t out of me!

     

           So that's it!
           

           As of today, no more reading.

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[iceman]

You guys are killing me here. :D :D :D
At best I might be able to handle the 2 1/2 pound program, unless Ann caught me. Then I wouldn't have to worry about a weight loss program at all!!! :o :D ;)

[West Coast Kansan]

Not my story but a great story... ;D

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching
a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.


My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'. 

[manxman]

The difference between men and women, don't try this at home guys!!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of  the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her!

[Wildcat]

 :D Now there are a couple of good ones.  :D :D :D

[acords]

:D Now there are a couple of good ones.  :D :D :D

ditto :D

[iceman]

 :D :D :D
Manx, if you or I ever pulled that they would be reading about us in the obits.!!!

[iceman]

INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-
happy marriage, a young husband decided to
solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself
as the beneficiary, & then arranging to
have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with
a nefarious dark-side underworld figure
who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie
then explained to the husband
that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect
his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something
up front, so the man opened his wallet,
displaying the single dollar bill that
rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as dow n
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife
to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he
surprised her in the produce department
& proceeded to strangle her with his
gloved hands & as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped
to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager
as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras &
observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even
leave the store. Under intense questioning at the
police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrange-
ments with the hapless husband who was
also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared.............









(You're going to hate me for this . . )












"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR
AT WAL-MART!"

[acords]

 ;) :(