Funny story of the day

[MWS]

Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your  memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[HCT]

 :D :D :D

[iceman]

I know some of those attorney's. They were my ex wife's. :D ;D

Her attorney asked me at the divorce hearing,

ATTORNEY: What kind of a day are you having?
ME: Not good, and you?
ATTORNEY: I'll ask the questions here, what do you think this is young man?
ME: I don't know but I thought it was a divorce hearing.
ATTORNEY: Do you have something against attorneys?
JUDGE: That type of question is irrelevant please keep to the purpose of this hearing.
ME: I'm not opposed to answering that question your honer.
ATTORNEY:So?
ME: Nothing against my attorney but let the record know I think my ex needs to get a better attorney because I really have no doubt you're an idiot and wasting her money.
JUDGE: We will reschedule this hearing for a later date!!!

Yep they have some dummies out there for sure. :o :D ;D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D

[Consiglieri]

Disorder In The Court...

Interesting side note:  Disorder in the Court was compiled in part by Gerald Uelman, one of OJ's attorney in his first criminal trial.  Also was a law school dean at Santa Clara University.

[icerat4]

 ;D

[manxman]

I have a particularly low opinion if attorney's (lawyers) at the moment for one reason and another (no I am not in trouble with the law!)so it will delight me to show my lawyer friends these exchanges!

Excellent!  ;) :D :D :D

[headgames]

Ok so what happens when you give a ATTORNEY a VIAGRA ? ........ not a whole lot they just get a little  TALLER   ;D

[Gizmo]

This one is for Olds,

Cuddles the Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers
he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the intention of having lunch.

< STRONG>The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close!  That old poodle nearly had m e!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery!  Bull0 and brilliance only come with age and
experience.

[iceman]

How Hot Is Hell ?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[icerat4]

Wal-Mart Greeter
>
> A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
> with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
>
> The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning,
> and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
>
> The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
> "Hell no they ain't."
> "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the
> hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
>
> "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
> couldn't believe you got laid twice."
> "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

[HCT]

I like that Rat. :D :D

[Wildcat]

Good one Rat.  I think we got a few women like that around here!

[iceman]

I'm positive I met her only it was in Fred Meyer in Wasilla. No, wait, it must of been her sister, she had three kids. :o :D

[iceman]

I know at least a few of these are true for sure.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and 0head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my behind tomorrow.

Enjoy life this is not a dress rehearsal.