Funny story of the day

[Smoking Duck]

Some funny pics:

[Smoking Duck]

More pics:





What happens when you swallow bubble gum?

[Smoking Duck]

And some more pics:





Nobody gets a free pass at the Customs agency:

[Smoking Duck]

The real reason for global warming:



Global warming protest:



This is one of my favorites:

[manxman]

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.   

[Caneyscud]

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:


Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales,
going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are
the only businesses still in the US.

[Caneyscud]

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.   

  On so many levels!

Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Threadkiller Extraordinaire'

[Caneyscud]

This pic just shows that the guys that do this kind of humor don't have the age and experience necessary to interpret conditions put in front of them.  This is Loupot's Bookstore at Northgate in College Station.  If you were the photographer, the campus is right behind you.  Ol' Army Lou was a great gentleman with quite a bit of mischief behind his demeanor.  He was 65 when I met him for the first time.  He would give you the shirt off his back to help a student down on his luck, out of money, and hungry!  Having boarded up many windows myself, there are times that you have to sacrifice glass to save your window.  If you notice there isn't much surrounding the windows that one can attach the plywood to on the outside.  There are a number of windows that if you nail or screw your plywood to the frame the result will be either damaged window frames, broken glass or worse - flying plywood during the storm.  At times like that you decide to sacrifice the window glass to save the windows and the building contents.  Besides, I like this pic better - notice the bevo trailer parked outside his old store - dare I say mascot kidnapping - pwned!



Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Threadkiller Extraordinaire'

[pensrock]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair . . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the Gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was Quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. ...'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

[Smoking Duck]

This pic just shows that the guys that do this kind of humor don't have the age and experience necessary to interpret conditions put in front of them.  This is Loupot's Bookstore at Northgate in College Station.  If you were the photographer, the campus is right behind you.  Ol' Army Lou was a great gentleman with quite a bit of mischief behind his demeanor.  He was 65 when I met him for the first time.  He would give you the shirt off his back to help a student down on his luck, out of money, and hungry!  Having boarded up many windows myself, there are times that you have to sacrifice glass to save your window.  If you notice there isn't much surrounding the windows that one can attach the plywood to on the outside.  There are a number of windows that if you nail or screw your plywood to the frame the result will be either damaged window frames, broken glass or worse - flying plywood during the storm.  At times like that you decide to sacrifice the window glass to save the windows and the building contents.  Besides, I like this pic better - notice the bevo trailer parked outside his old store - dare I say mascot kidnapping - pwned!



Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Threadkiller Extraordinaire'

Dang........you don't tell the grandkids that Santa Claus isn't real, do ya?  ;) ;D

[Wildcat]

Although not funny, I thought this a good read:


Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

[FLBentRider]

 :)

[Mr Walleye]

That's very good WildCat! Very true too!  ;)

Mike

[Wildcat]

Wine .......



To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't. As Ben

Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water

there is bacteria.



In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated

that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would

have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria

found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.



However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,

whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification

process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.



Remember:



Water = Poop,



Wine = Health



Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water

and be full of s----.

[Caneyscud]

This pic just shows that the guys that do this kind of humor don't have the age and experience necessary to interpret conditions put in front of them.  This is Loupot's Bookstore at Northgate in College Station.  If you were the photographer, the campus is right behind you.  Ol' Army Lou was a great gentleman with quite a bit of mischief behind his demeanor.  He was 65 when I met him for the first time.  He would give you the shirt off his back to help a student down on his luck, out of money, and hungry!  Having boarded up many windows myself, there are times that you have to sacrifice glass to save your window.  If you notice there isn't much surrounding the windows that one can attach the plywood to on the outside.  There are a number of windows that if you nail or screw your plywood to the frame the result will be either damaged window frames, broken glass or worse - flying plywood during the storm.  At times like that you decide to sacrifice the window glass to save the windows and the building contents.  Besides, I like this pic better - notice the bevo trailer parked outside his old store - dare I say mascot kidnapping - pwned!



Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Threadkiller Extraordinaire'

Dang........you don't tell the grandkids that Santa Claus isn't real, do ya?  ;) ;D

Naw!!  Just experience from ruining some windows myself and knowing how his windows are constructed.  We had a city-sponsored architectural contest to do in a class that had to do with revamping that section of business district and I had to do some details of his storefront.  Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are all my friends   ;D

Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Threadkiller Extraordinaire'